Long Update
Wow so much has happened since I last wrote here. The last time anything dramatic happened I kind of shut down and went into a deep depression. Now that I am back and feeling refreshed with a new mindset I want to provide an update… So, where do I begin?
In September (on my birthday actually) Parent C had texted Parent A about Star’s⭐️ early birthday present. I don’t think anyone saw it coming but they bought our 8-year-old a cellphone. There was no discussion nor question, it was just a statement to be made on behalf of Parent C.
I won’t lie, my wife and I were also planning on getting her a cellphone but our decision was discussed with Parent A and was made with the sole intent that we wanted to make sure we were able to communicate with our child while she was at Parent C’s house; she was being isolated from her other families and we feared she wouldn’t be able to communicate with us while she was at Parent C’s house. Whether it was intentional or not we wanted to make sure she had a form of communication since her father wasn’t providing information about her wellbeing during the time spent with him.
We actually got her an iPhone the same week we got that text but we also did our research on parental controls and set up the phone to her liking. On the other hand, Parent C got her a dinky Samsung phone which none of us know how to use really and to our surprise seemed to not have any parental controls on it when she first got the dang thing. Luckily, Star⭐️ really enjoys her iPhone and we allow her as much freedom as an 8-year-old should have which she totally loves. I can only make so many assumptions but I believe Parent C doesn’t allow her to use her phone they provided if it’s not for communication purposes. But this all goes back to the lack of communication.
In the following months there was little to no movement from Parent C. Then, came the custody trial in December. Needless to say it was a shit show. There really is not much to say Parent A had no lawyer and representing yourself can only take you so far if you’re not prepared. Parent C got his way; he asked for 50/50 custody meaning alternating weeks. We didn’t really worry about it because weeks before the trial Parent C had stated that we would be allowed to see our child every week like clockwork. Anything that changes with Star’s⭐️ schedule would be more of a problem between the other two parents since we’ve had the same schedule with the kiddo for two years.
Then of course came the bombshell… Day one after the trial Parent C says almost exactly “We would like to make sure the kid is adjusting to her new schedule before we add you to the dynamic again.” Yes I am reiterating because how he stated it was moronic and dull. It still pisses me off to this day. How would it be more consistent to her schedule if you take out a big part of her week?
I know what this does to the child’s psyche and after a long and exhausting essay I couldn’t convince them to change their minds.. It has been two months since the trial and we haven’t seen her on Parent C’s weeks consistently, up until a month ago when he stated that the child would need to inform him about wanting to see us two weeks prior to being with him. Again I ask.. how can that be consistent to the child? This is just a pattern that we should be familiar with but I am still going to be upset about it. Not to mention he is also using her as a messenger! That is so unhealthy and in a custody battle they make you take a parenting class and parenting 101 says “Don't involve the child in your disagreements or use them as messengers between you and your co-parent.”
Now the part that I really fall into a battle with is do I fight fire with fire or fight fire with water? Manipulation is a classic narcissist gameplay. A narcissist will use something that you love and value and manipulate you by guarding it and using it against you. So do I play the game and bend the knee because if I don’t see my kid it breaks me a little every time.. or do I fight back with the same energy and use his words against him? I am such a petty person but again I want to try and prevent any trauma to my child but at this point it’s inevitable.
Then came Monday, February 24, there was a text from Parent C’s wife asking us if we wanted to see our kiddo on Thursday since she asked to see us which is definitely a change of pace because now Star⭐️ understands that her voice creates the changes made in her life but that also shouldn’t be her burden to bare if that makes sense. We will see how this summer goes because like I stated earlier the custody agreement did not go as planned and that includes the parenting plan that was drafted through Parent C’s lawyer.
Here’s something you can takeaway though, my wife grew up in almost the same situation that Star⭐️ is in; She was bounced between three homes and every parent and guardian in her life was constantly fighting and would never be honest with her about what was going on in her life. We want to try something new in our case, we want to be as honest as possible with our kid without creating hurt if that makes sense. We ask Star⭐️ if we can have difficult conversations with her and also console her when the conversation gets heavy. We are also open about the relationship we have between her parents and our dynamic and why things are happening. To this day she has expressed that she doesn’t enjoy having the conversations that create big emotions in her but my wife explains to me that she has so many questions about why things were the way they were and she can’t ask her mother as she has passed, her grandmother is very closed off to the situation and it would take a lot of healing for her to sit down with her dad. All together, we don’t have a good example of honesty and if it helps or hurts the child in the end. We are trying and we are also keeping her best interest in mind.