Long Update
So much has happened since I last wrote here. The last time anything dramatic happened, I kind of shut down and went into a deep depression. Now that I’m back with a refreshed mindset, I want to provide an update… So, where do I begin?
In September, on my birthday actually, Parent C texted Parent A about Star’s ⭐️ early birthday present. None of us saw it coming — they bought our 8-year-old a cellphone. There was no discussion or question; it was just a statement from Parent C.
My wife and I were also planning to get her a cellphone, but our decision was discussed with Parent A. Our main intent was to ensure we could communicate with Star ⭐️ while she was at Parent C’s house. We were concerned she might be isolated from her other families, especially since her father hadn’t been providing regular updates about her wellbeing during that time.
When we got her the cellphone we researched parental controls and set it up to her liking but on the other hand when Parent C gave her their phone, it appeared not to have any parental controls initially. From what we understand, Parent C may limit the phone’s use to communication only, but the lack of clear communication between us about this has been a challenge.
In the following months, there wasn’t much movement from Parent C. Then, came the custody trial in December, which was quite overwhelming. Parent A didn’t have legal representation, and representing yourself can be very difficult if you’re not prepared. Parent C what they asked for and was awarded 50/50 custody, meaning alternating weeks.
At first, we weren’t too worried because, weeks before the trial, Parent C had stated we would still see Star ⭐️ every week like clockwork. So we were under the impression that any changes to her schedule would mostly be between the other two parents, since our schedule with Star ⭐️ had been stable for the last two years.
But then came the bombshell. The day after the trial, Parent C said, “We would like to make sure the kid is adjusting to her new schedule before we add you to the dynamic again.” How this would help Star’s ⭐️ consistency is unclear to me, and the way it was said felt dismissive. It still upsets me to this day.
I understand how important stability is for a child’s psyche. Despite my efforts and lengthy conversations, I couldn’t convince them to reconsider. It’s been two months since the trial, and we haven’t been able to see Star ⭐️ consistently during Parent C’s weeks. More recently, Parent C said that Star ⭐️ needs to inform him two weeks in advance if she wants to see us during his custody time. I’m concerned about how this impacts consistency for our child.
Unfortunately, this is a pattern we’ve become familiar with, but it still frustrates me. I’m also troubled by the fact that Star ⭐️ is being used as a messenger between the adults. We know from parenting classes and court guidelines that involving children in adult disagreements or using them as intermediaries is unhealthy.
Now, I find myself wrestling with how to respond. Do I “fight fire with fire” or try to remain calm? Manipulation can be a tactic some use to gain control, and it’s hard not to want to retaliate when you feel hurt. All I want to prevent any and all trauma for Star ⭐️, but at times it feels despondently unavoidable.
Then one Monday, in February, Parent C’s wife texted us asking if we wanted to see Star ⭐️ on Thursday because she had requested it. This is a change from before and illustrated to us that Star ⭐️ may be starting to understand her voice makes change at Parent C’s house. But then I battle my thoughts once again because it also shouldn’t be her responsibility to carry that burden.
Anyways it turned out that what was communicated to us by Parent C’s wife was not as truthful as we initially believed. Our kid revealed that she hadn't asked to come over, it was suggested to her. Honestly, we are glad that she was asked if she wanted to come over but I am extremely frustrated because I truly hate dishonesty.
We’ll see how this summer goes but here’s something to take away: my wife grew up in a similar situation to Star’s ⭐️. She was bounced between three homes, and the adults in her life were often fighting and not honest with her about what was going on. We want to do things differently. We want to be as honest as possible with Star, while also protecting her from unnecessary hurt.
We always ask Star ⭐️ if it’s okay to have difficult conversations, and we comfort her when those conversations bring up heavy emotions. We’re open about our relationships with her parents and our family dynamic, explaining why certain things happen.
Although this may not be the best way to raise a kid we are trying, and we are always keeping her best interests at heart.